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28.1.12

Download Talking to Toddlers

Click Here to Download Talking to Toddlers



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Toddler Behavior - 3 Useful Techniques to Talk to Toddlers

By Ethan Christian
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A toddlers behavior can be a frustrating experience. Temper tantrums can occur anytime and anyplace. It typically happens in a crowded environment, such as a grocery or department store. Once it begins, everyone stops and looks at you, expecting you do to something about your screaming child. What is the best approach? Do you give in, and give your toddler what he wants? Before you find yourself in this situation, try these techniques and really how to talk to toddlers.

A toddler typically has a temper tantrum due to one of four reasons. He could be hungry, tired, over-stimulated or bored. These temper tantrums results primarily due to frustration and not due any real desire to try and manipulate you. When you are at home, try to establish effective means of communication by doing the following things:

1. Encourage your toddler to talk - Talking to toddlers actually helps with their language development. The better language skills they possess, the better you will be able to control toddlers behavior through communication.

2. Encourage your toddler to listen - When learning to talk, a majority of a child's time is spent listening to others communicate. Continue to encourage him to listen. Teach your toddler to pick out the action words, such as talking, hitting, running, etc. This will help him comprehend more effectively.

3. Use simple sentences - When talking to toddlers, it is best to use short clusters of sentences. Combine no more than two or three sentences at a time. Speak slowly and get straight to the point. The attention span of a toddler is relatively short, so you want to ensure he is able to maintain his focus.

These are just a few simple, yet extremely effective, techniques to help control your toddlers behavior.

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Talking to Toddlers Review - Scam Or Legit Audio Program?

By Jerry Gardner
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Talking to Toddlers is an audio program created by Chris Thompson, a father of two kids. He claimed that he is an expert in language strategies using "neuro-linguistic programming" (NLP). By using NLP, he stated that he can get the toddlers to agree to do things. This may sound fancy to you. This Talking to Toddler Review will discuss whether this program is for real or one of those scam products that parents should avoid.

The audio program is composed of 3 CDs. It is also available in MP3 format which you can download directly from the Talking to Toddlers official website. By being an audio product, you can listen to the program anywhere, even while you are driving the car or jogging with your portable MP3 player. There are tons of information you need to listen to and it will definitely take a lot of time before you complete the program.

The techniques mentioned by Chris are easy to follow. You can immediately test the strategies with your toddlers. Most of the time toddlers would want to do their own thing and giving orders can cause them to exhibit tantrums. One of the interesting techniques is what Chris called as the "double bind". This is applicable if you need your toddler to follow your instructions. What a parent needs to do is to give the toddler choices that are effectively the same. By doing this, you will force your toddler to choose either one and he will end up doing the tasks that you intend him to do. The use of positive language is also a main focus of the program. You will get positive results from your toddlers using positive words.

In summary, the audio program packs a lot of information that parents need to know in order to raise their toddlers properly with less stress. Parents will know how they will discipline their toddlers and control their tantrums. This Talking to Toddler Review definitely concludes that the product is for real and is truly a gem for parents.

Jerry Gardner is a parent of 2 toddlers. Being a parent is indeed tough. We need to learn the right techniques in order for us to raise our toddlers properly. I recommend products that are valuable to parents in their journey towards happy and stress-free parenthood. Discover how an audio program can truly guide you by visiting my review site


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Talking to Toddlers Review - What Stressed Parents Need to Know

By Ethan Anderson
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There are plenty of available resources for parents looking for guide on how to deal with toddler tantrums. For stressed parents, there is an available audio course "Talking to Toddlers", created by Chris Thompson. Chris is an expert in the use of language strategies in dealing with problematic toddlers. This Talking to Toddlers review will provide parents insights whether this program is legitimate or scam product.

The course is available in MP3 format which can be downloaded from the official website. It also comes in a package composed of 3 CDs. Unlike the usual eBook or a normal book, which you really need to sit down to finish the material, an audio material is more convenient. You can complete the audio program even when you are jogging or driving.

Talking to Toddlers audio program packs a lot of information. The strategies outlined by Chris focus on various language techniques parents can use on everyday situation with their toddlers. By using different conversation patterns with neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) background, parents can convince toddlers to do things without the tantrums. By following the practical and easy-to-follow strategies mentioned in the audio program, parents can have higher chances of controlling toddler temper tantrums. In effect, parents can reduce parenting stress.

The audio program is not the ordinary guide for parents. With NLP and Ericksonian patterns, this audio course stands out from the other normal parenting guide. The various techniques created by Chris can indeed help parents in the enormous task of raising toddlers. This Talking to Toddlers Review concludes that the audio program will indeed provide parents the necessary parenting skills to get them through the problematic toddler stage.


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How to Talk to Toddlers - 3 Effective Techniques to Control Your Toddler's Behavior

By Ethan Christian
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Many parents are uncomfortable talking to toddlers. These parents sometimes struggle with getting small children to listen, obey and do what it is they are asking them to do. It can almost feel like the parents and the toddler are speaking two different languages. There are, however, a few simple techniques that will help you talk to your toddler more effectively.

As with most relationships, communication is the key. Without this strong foundation, talking to toddlers can become increasingly frustrating. When you speak to your toddler, use simple sentences of four to ten words. Try and complete no more than two or three sentences at a time or your toddler may get lost and choose to quit paying attention.

When you are finished, ask your child to repeat what you just said. If he cannot, try explaining what you want to happen in different words. Always try and use words and phrases that you know your child is familiar with. This will reduce confusion and lead to less stress and frustration. Teach them to listen for the action words, such as speaking, running, talking, etc. When a child is able to effectively determine the overall tone of the sentence, he or she is much less likely to act up out of frustration.

It is also important that you use clear and concise commands. It never helps to confuse your child with additional information that is not needed for them to understand. The attention span of a toddler is very short, so get straight to the point.

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How to Talk to Toddlers - A Few Tips That Could Help Prevent Tantrums

By Lily Adams
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Do you ever look at your child and wonder what they are thinking? Children, especially toddlers, definitely have their own language and sometimes it can be difficult to understand them or see where they are coming from. This is a big reason why temper tantrums happen and create turmoil within your family. By learning how to talk to toddlers and meet them on their playing field you will often find much better results than if you were trying to talk to them as an adult.

Since you are an adult this may be a difficult task, but it doesn't have to be. Changing the way you communicate with your little one is easier than you think, and the benefits of what you will get in return are huge. Let's face it, temper tantrums are unpleasant! Who wants to go shopping if the experience is going to end up with tears and screaming? Most of us would just choose to stay home rather than face that. Tantrums are embarrassing, scary and sometimes so frustrating that the parent usually ends up nearly having one too because they are unable to find another way to cope. So, if you are willing to act like your toddler in that respect, what would happen if you did the opposite?

I have outlined a few simple steps of how to talk to toddlers that will help you master this new communication technique. I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how differently your child will respond to you.

First, let's see if we can avoid the tantrum altogether by simply changing how we request things of our toddler. Instead of being short tempered and asking them to do something, they will automatically pick up on your frustrated mood, calmly and with a pleasant voice ask a question that makes them think they will helping or doing you a favor. Kids love to help, they love to be involved in the process of things. By not demanding things they will respond in kind and be much more willing to do the things you ask.

Second, instead of getting frustrated when they won't do something that you've asked, give them an alternative to what you asked. By changing your request slightly, they may be more willing to comply.

Third, there is a lot of common sense involved in how to talk to toddlers. By not thinking of them as an adult who has been there, done that and basically seen it all you will find their response to you will be warm and complacent. They will feel understood instead of dictated upon.

Lastly, don't be afraid to come down to their level. Children are much more receptive when you are talking into their eyes, rather than peering down upon them. You aren't as intimidating and they will feel more comfortable. For instance, if it is necessary to send your child to time out for an unwanted behavior, take their hand, get down on their level and look into their eyes. Explain what it is they did wrong and gently lead them into time out and request that they stay there until you come back to get them.


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How to Talk to Toddlers - Take a Proactive Approach and Avoid Temper Tantrums

By Ethan Christian
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Temper tantrums seem to occur at the worst possible times. Typically they occur when standing in line at a crowded supermarket or a packed restaurant. Talking to toddlers at this point is a relatively futile exercise in patience. With tears running down your child's face, and the angry eyes of strangers bearing down on you, what do you do next? Do you give in to your toddlers behavior problems, or do you stand firm? Instead of worrying whether or not your toddler will have a breakdown in the checkout line, try these proactive solutions.

Establishing a foundation of communication is the real key. Talk with your toddler as often as you can. Talking to toddlers actually encourages the development of language skills in your child. Many times a child will act up out of pure frustration caused by boredom, fatigue or hunger. Teaching them how to effectively communicate these issues BEFORE the meltdown begins will save you a tremendous amount of stress.

Teach your toddler essential listening skills. Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation with your toddler when all of a sudden they get up and walk away? Somewhere along the line you lost them and they choose to give up. Encourage them to actively listen for the action words, if nothing else. Teach them to listen for the verbs in the sentence. Even if a child has no idea of half the words that you said but can pick out the verbs, they will at least understand the gist of what you said.

By constantly talking to your toddler, you are teaching them that it is OK to voice their opinions and desires within the context of a healthy relationship. My son is almost three and he knows that when an adult asks him a question, he is so stop what he is doing, listen and try to respond appropriately. And isn't that, after all, better than having your child throw a temper tantrum in front of 100 people?

These are just a few ways to proactively control your toddlers behavior.


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Talking to Toddlers - Are You at Your Wits End and Would You Like Help?

By Debbie D B
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When talking to toddlers would you dearly like to know how to easily and quickly stop bad behavior in children getting all the parenting help you need.

One way to become a better parent is by learning how to, using self-help techniques - after all, we as parents haven't exactly been given a step by step crash course on how to be a good parent, neither do I suspect did our parents before us and they before them.

With technology as it is today, the parent of today has a lot more parenting materials and resources easily available to them, self-help techniques, e-books etc., but which do you choose for you and your child.

Wouldn't you dearly love to have a better understanding on how your child actually thinks and then act according to this using tried and tested parenting materials.

Behaviour is driven by emotions, not logic. This is fundamental to everything. Behavior, for any person of any age, be it a parent or toddler, is determined by the way they are feeling, i.e., their emotional state. Parents will act based on their emotions and then they will justify such actions with logic. Toddlers and children on the other hand don't - they don't have the ability to be logical and their actions will be based purely from emotions.

Therefore, emotions of being happy, feeling fun and laughter will bring about good feelings and your child will act accordingly. Conversely, feelings of sadness, frustration, anger etc., will bring about the corresponding actions and negativity.

Parents on the other hand see it differently, they will see it totally inappropriate to raise their voice and bring attention upon themselves and why it's a definite NO, NO to have a tantrum, especially one in public. Does your child think this, NO WAY, toddlers simply don't care, children will think and act in a very different way.

It is for this reason that whenever a child is frustrated and angry they will want to show their emotions, regardless of where they are, and they quite literally do - THEY HAVE TANTRUMS.

Hence the communication problems and why as parents we often times lose the communication war with our children, can you see why?

For example we all know the story of the little boy who cried 'wolf' - a little boy bored looking after sheep who cried wolf to make the villagers come running and they did again and again and again until one day they stopped coming. When a parent keeps shouting "NO" over and over and over again, sooner or later the child stops listening.

That is why it is exceedingly important to know why and even more importantly, how to communicate when talking to toddlers and the best way is through parenting materials which give parenting help.

You need to learn to listen to your child and try and understand them so they in turn will understand you, breaking down any communication problems you may have in the process.

Talking to toddlers is not just focusing on one single problem. You need to focus on child/ parent communication, which is something that a lot of parents overlook or quite simply just don't understand or know how to - how do you communicate with a toddler who just does not understand the word "NO".

As a parent, we need to have a number of ways to get what you want without screaming "NO" at your child - and it simply works better.

Wouldn't you dearly love to have a happy and loving child, with lasting results that both you and your children will have for years to come.


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How to Stop Toddler Tantrums Before They Start - The Best Way to Talk to Toddlers

By Ethan Christian
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Toddler tantrums can occur at any time. You never quite know when they may appear. Typically they tend to happen when you are standing in the check out line of a crowded department or grocery store. With a toddler screaming at the top of his lungs and the judgmental eyes of 100 strangers staring at you, what can you do?

During a toddler tantrum, communication will be problematic at best. Typically, toddlers have tantrums due to frustration which can be caused by boredom, hunger or confusion. Instead of stressing out every time you go to the store, try these proactive approaches to help prevent temper tantrums.

Establish a solid foundation of communication with your toddler. Speaking to your child actually encourages language development skills. It helps them become more effective and confident in their own ability to express their feelings.

Use simple to understand words and sentences. Get straight to the point and avoid extraneous words that are not necessary for their comprehension. When you talk to toddlers, use words that you know are familiar to them and never give more than two or three commands at a time.

Encourage your toddler to actively listen. Teach them to listen for key words in each sentence, such as the action words. By helping them determine what is supposed to happen from the sentence, you will be cutting back on the frustration many children incur in everyday life.

Expect your toddler to listen and respond when you ask them a direct question. Holding them accountable in as simple a thing as communication will provide tremendous benefits in other areas in the future. Each learning concept builds on the previous concept.

Teaching your child to listen and respond can help eliminate many of the reasons why your child is acting out in the first place. Build a solid foundation of communication at home and enjoy a nice, peaceful afternoon of running errands.


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Talking WITH Toddlers is Different Than Talking AT Infants

By Mary Lou Johnson
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Expert Author Mary Lou Johnson

Toddlers are ready to be "talked with" rather than "talked at." The lengthy sentences and questions we surround infants with so they get the overall "speech envelope" of language are not as helpful to language-learning toddlers.

What really helps toddlers is when parents are talking partners rather than "quizzers" (that's a nicer word than interrogators!) If you really want to encourage word use, reduce the use of direct questions and increase the use of statements.

In my 34 years as a speech-language pathologist working exclusively with children and their parents, most parents have told me that they ask their young children who are not talking yet a lot of questions. Many have told me it is upwards of 80 percent. That's a lot of questions! I think parents do this hoping they will actually get an answer which will validate their wish that their child will start talking soon. Unfortunately, such excessive use of questioning works against the child's learning process, and the child is less likely to talk when questioned.

It may seem difficult initially to change all of your questions into statements, but it is possible to do it. For example, instead of asking a toddler, "What do you see?" or, "Do you see that jet?" you can simply state the obvious, "I see a jet way up high in the sky!"

Once you make a full sentence, then systematically reduce it to a phrase and then to a key word--and sometimes right down to the vowel sound from the word or a sound effect. Doing this "filters" the rapid flow of speech so your child gets a chance to grasp what the best word is to match an experience and how to say that word.

Here's an example using the sentence I wrote above. You will see that each utterance is shorter than the previous one. "I see a jet way up high in the sky!" "That's a fast jet. Fast jet. Jet! Zzzzzoooooommm!" Pause to wait for an imitation if the child is ready to try.

I call this process of systematically reducing the length of a sentence the "Upside-Down Pyramid" way of talking with young children so they can learn to start talking or to talk better. My ideas are practical and are intended to be used throughout the day during a family's usual activities and routines. Many parents have indicated that they got results right away as soon as they stopped asking so many questions and learned how to present statements in this new way. When you are ready, you can learn to use this method, too.

Mary Lou B. Johnson, M.S., CCC-SLP, is a speech-language pathologist with 34 years of experience working with children and their families at The Children's Hospital, Denver. In her eBook, How To Help Your Child Learn to Talk Better in Everyday Activities, Mary Lou shares with readers the information, insights, and ideas that she has shared with parents in her practice. Mary Lou hopes that her eBook will enable a parent to gain new ideas and more confidence in her abilities to help her child acquire new speech-language skills. The reader can see the topics covered in the eBook by viewing the Table of Contents on the home page of the Web site at http://helpyourchildspeak.com Mary Lou is also an entrepreneur whose companies sell printed wall decor products. Check them out at http://getBiggies.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Lou_Johnson


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How to Talk to Toddlers

By Jaxson Alexander
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Expert Author Jaxson Alexander

Talking to toddlers is entertaining and at times very frustrating. As a father of two boys I would like to share some insights into how and why we should be specific in how we talk to our toddler. We are going to discuss how to speak to our toddlers. What is the importance of "Baby Talk"? Do we really treat our toddlers as people? Finally we will talk about the importance or lack of importance of lying to our toddlers.

-Speak clearly and deliberately to your toddler

My wife and I determined that we were going to speak to our children. From the time that they were born we used complete sentences and words. We have not used "baby talk" with our children and we have found that "baby talk" is of no benefit. We have family who were proficient in "baby talk" when their children were toddlers. They are having a hard time helping their children unlearn the "baby talk" now that the children are in pre-kindergarten classes. My sons speak in complete sentences and in proper English.

-Remember that your Toddler is a human being and deserves respect as a human

My wife and I ask for respect and manners from our children. However, we strive to show respect to our children for the human beings that they are. When they are speaking we try to show them the respect and manners that we expect out of them. They have feeling and emotions just like the rest of us. I urge you to show them the respect that they deserve.

-Do No Lie to Your Toddler

I am not referring to fantasy such as Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy. These fantasies are personal choices for parents to make. However, real issues affect your toddler too. My wife and I believe in a term called "Minimum Necessity." In other words, when there is an issue that affects the family and the children pick up on it and ask questions we answer the children truthfully but with the minimum necessity of information to answer their question.

My father and mother were having marital issues. The problems became so large that my boys picked up on the problem and started asking questions. My wife and I answered the boys truthfully. We told them that Grandma and Grandpa were having some problems and that they may not live together in the same house. But no matter what their grandparents will always love them.

In conclusion, remember that talking to toddlers is exciting, entertaining, and frustrating at times. We should speak clearly and deliberately to our children. We should minimize baby talk. We should always respect our children as human beings, finally we should not lie to our children.


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27.1.12

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How to Effectively Deal With the Bully in Your Life

By D. Giolitto
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Sure, you're reasonable and try your best to be kind to others. But unfortunately, talking sense into some people is like beating your head into a brick wall repeatedly. The bullying personality shows up just anywhere-- at home, in the workplace, in your circle of friends.

There's no point in trying to initiate a mature compromise with someone who behaves in a near-deluded manner. Why would someone be so manipulative and self-protective? Don't they know how much they hurt others? The answer is: there is no answer, and it isn't your problem. If you can't physically remove yourself from someone who tries to control you and others, you can do the next best thing - learn to cope. Here are some Bully Prototypes and how to deal with each of them.

1. Your Boss the Bully.

Unfortunately, people in power positions often have issues. The Classic Bully Boss displays micro-managing tendencies, is self-absorbed, controlling, and narcissistic. He will lie through his teeth and try to put the blame on you when things fall through the cracks. You can't trust a bully like this as far as you can throw him.

Solution: Never lose faith in your own abilities, no matter what crap this person is dishing. Communicate with your bullying boss as little as possible; if you must speak, toss a few compliments his or her way through your teeth. Then, get to work building up alliances with everyone else except for this person, including his boss. You will quickly learn that your bullying boss bullies everyone, not just you. Hey, with any luck maybe you can get him fired!

2. Your Parent the Bully.

Having a parent who is manipulative and hurtful is one of the toughest things to deal with in life. Growing up with a bully in the family can mean that you're forever caught in the Wrong... even when you know you're right. A bullying parent uses passive-aggressive tricks to turn you into a fighter by nature... forever on the defensive!

Solution: The first thing you must do to preserve your sanity is get away from them as soon as you can. Move out on your own as soon as you're of age. The next step is to suggest they seek help. If they refuse, which is likely as bullies typically live in total denial, you are simply going to have to behaviorally control them. That means that every time you're in their presence and they start picking fights and playing mind games with you, just leave. EVERY single time. Tell them that you will not tolerate them behaving in an infantile manner, and then make yourself scarce. If these incidents make you feel upset, seek shelter with a loving and understanding friend who can play the role of supportive nurturer where your parent does not. Above all, never feel guilty, no matter what the bullying parent tells you. You have done nothing wrong!

3. Your Partner the Bully.

This is a tough one. Why would you ever think of dating someone who is unreasonable... or worse, find yourself married to them! People who end up permanently attached to controlling personalities probably were heavily influenced by someone in their family who was probably also a bully.

Solution: If you feel that your spouse or partner is forever turning the tables on you, backing you into conversation traps, and generally sucking the life out of you, go talk to a counselor and get some insight into your own personality. Find out what makes you tick, and why something that happened in your past might be causing you to seek approval from someone who will never give it. When you feel strong enough to stand on your own two feet, suggest that the Bully also seek help in the form of therapy. If they continue to refuse, you must leave them, no two ways about it. This isn't easy, especially if you're raising a family together, but that's what you must do. Seek advice and support from loving friends and other family members, and of course your therapist.

You are in no way indebted to any other human being in your life other than you. You are free to go. If someone is trying to control you, just run! Run far, far away. Seek professional help. Learn to love yourself and live a life without guilt and strife. You can do it!

Copyright 2005 Dina Giolitto. All rights reserved.


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Exposed at Last - Organisational & Institutional Bullying

By John Edmonds
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How many times have you approached a business, organisation, institution or a government department and been shuffled around by the people who work there, and come out at the other end of the experience no better off than when you commenced? You did not receive answers. You did not achieve any results. You did not find anyone remotely interested in your problem. You felt as if you had wasted your time. How many times have you been dealt with by a whole load of bureaucratic faceless people who in your opinion should not be working there? And when you complained you were met with, "I am only obeying the rules!" or "I'm only doing my job!"

I have been on the end of this so many times that it is heart breaking, and my conclusion is that it is is Organisational and Institutional Bullying, and it s just as harmful as one-to-one bullying, and takes on an almost identical form as one-to-one bullying. The only difference between one-to-one bullying and organisational bullying is that the people who participate in organisational bullying are mostly innocent - and I will explain this shortly..

Traditionally, bullying is generally associated with one person bullying another, and most of us will have experienced or viewed the activities of the schoolboy or schoolgirl bully when we were at school. As we grew older, most of us have also seen bullies in the workplace. The boss who throws his or her weight around unnecessarily and places unreasonable demands on employees, or the peer group bully exerting power over others through fear or threats. Most of us have also viewed overt bullying behaviour in sport.

In recent years, bullying behaviour has come out of the closet and exposed bullies for what they really are: pathetic cowards who get their thrills from exerting power over others. The only reason that bullying came out of the closet was the eventual realisation in the late 1990s that bullying is mostly a lot of small bullying events each of which, in their own right, are fairly insignificant but when spread over a medium to long period of time, becomes unbearable for the victim. Bullying is a bit like the war time Chinese water torture, where drops of water are slowly dripped onto a person's hands. Each drop, of course, is insignificant, but after three days and ten thousand drops later on the same area of skin, the pain is unbearable - and it has been said that this type of torture is many times more effective than most other tortures. Organisational Bullying is like that - small insignificant power-exerting incidents over a long period of frame. (A long period could be three hours, by the way, if your problem should have been solvable in 3 minutes.)

I looked up the word bullying:-

Wordnet

bullying(n.) The act of intimidating a weaker person to make them do something

bullying(adj.) Noisily domineering : tending to browbeat others

bullying(v.) Be bossy towards : "Her big brother always bullied her when she was young"

Webster Dictionary

Bullying: To treat abusively: to affect by means of force or coercion

Wikipedia

Bullying is the act of intentionally causing harm to others, through verbal harassment, physical assault, or other more subtle methods of coercion such as manipulation. ...

They are all correct, but they all lack certain components.

Firstly, some of the definitions talk about a bullying person, whereas I will prove to you that bullying can be from a small, medium or large group of faceless people, i.e. an institution.

Secondly the Wikipedia definition states "the act of intentionally" and I will also prove that in organisation bullying bureaucracies, there is often no overt intention - it is the accumulation of many insignificant and sometimes innocent acts such as pushing people from one person to the next, and then the next and so on, that, as a whole, forms the bullying.

Thirdly, the Webster dictionary mentions force or coercion. I will prove that bullying frequently arises from exactly the opposite - apathy, inefficiency and a complete lack of any force from any specific individual. What is lacking here is the recognition that a group of innocent individuals can bully people through the cumulative effect of their innocent actions.

Underneath the skin of organisational and institutional bureaucratic behaviour is a vast ocean of bullying behaviour so insidious and obvious that we've all missed it. There's an elephant in the room - we all know it's there, but no-one wants to talk about it. It is a bit like the Emperor with no clothes story. This article aims to expose the truth and reality.

Many of the people within a bullying organisation are innocent as individuals, but horrifically guilty when added to the behaviour of the institution in general. For example, let us say that you, the reader, are shuffled around by twelve different people today, from one to the other, and then you do not obtain a solution to your issue and in fact do not even take one step forward. The reality is that you have experienced twelve totally innocent people just 'doing their job' within their institution, whilst you, the receiver of their work and their decisions feels after three hours of getting absolutely nowhere, that you have undergone the Chinese water torture and feel like pulling your hair out? This surely is a form of bullying which could be averted had people in the bullying organisation been trained in providing different options.

Think about the last time you telephoned a company and you were met with an automatic answering machine that provides you with a three minutes spiel about the various options you have, none of which apply to you so you have to wait until the message is over before pressing the "other queries" number. Then after waiting around another ten minutes, you eventually get through to someone who tells you that you actually need to be speaking with someone else - not them. So they put you through to someone else. But the phone goes dead. So you redial the first number. This time, you choose a different option and are put on hold for five minutes. When you get eventually get through, the person is unhelpful and suggests you call yet another external number. You ring this new number, only to find a recorded message that tells you that all contact must be made through their web site. And so it goes on.

Make no mistake - this is bullying behaviour, except that in an institution the people will mostly always remain faceless, blameless, and in many cases even innocent as individuals within the institution. We have all experienced scenarios like this on a regular daily basis.

Let me give you another example. I got married in 2005 and, as usual in such circumstances, my new wife adopted my surname. We changed her surname on our joint bank account whereas prior to this it had been a joint account in two separate surnames. Nothing wrong with any of this - this is what millions of people must do every year. However, I also had an account with an online company attached to a well known auction web site who legitimately sucks money out of our joint account when we need to pay for purchases. The computer system of this online institution saw the name change on our joint bank account and immediately placed an alert on our joint account and suspended it. With a bit of wild imagination, I guess you could say that this action might have been reasonable. What followed, though, was horrific and took dozens of emails, numerous heated telephone exchanges, no apologies on their part at all, and several weeks to get it all sorted out. Meanwhile, I had done nothing wrong except get married. I felt like my wife and I were the only people on the planet to have got married. My feelings were no different to those of a victim of bullying, and so I consider I was bullied.

One of my worst nightmares, which has been going on for around six years and is still unresolved, is with an Australian bank where I have had a bank account since the 1970s. (I spent 27 years in Australia, by the way.) Around six years ago, I used to send payments in cash to pay my credit card through the mail to them from the UK and did this for several years. The payments were only around £20, so I figured I would risk it in the mail rather than have to tackle an international bank draft every month which incurs fees of around £7. One day, however, someone in their Melbourne HQ decided they didn't like me sending cash, and particularly English cash, so they wrote to me to ask me to find a different method. At the same time, they suspended my account due to late payment, which of course was not true because they were holding the cash in their hands. The account has been suspended for over six years now, as I have chosen to use other banks. About three months ago, after receiving statements with a credit balance by the way for all these years, I decided to call the bank from the UK because I thought it was time I followed this up. I was told in no uncertain terms, "We cannot discuss this issue with you because you don't have an account with us," despite the fact that I still receive a regular monthly bank statement even today which shows I am in credit with them. I have done absolutely nothing wrong, but the bureaucratic bullying has led them to believe that they are the angels and I am the demon when in fact the opposite is true.

By the way, I have a stack of other similar stories about erroneous stupid decisions made by several UK banks that I have experienced, so it does not surprise me at all that banks are now crumbling. When someone invents an alternative to banks to store my money, then I will be first in the queue.

Why Organisational Institutional Bullying occurs even though individuals within these places are mostly innocent.

Essentially, it is important to recognise that a great many people in hierarchical bureaucracies are incompetent at the jobs they hold down. This is not a theory. It is a fact. You might have suspected it and here's how I know.

In 1970s, a man called Dr Lawrence Peter wrote a book called The Peter Principle. At that time, it was a world best seller and still is today. Many older readers may have heard of it. The main theme of the book is that everyone in a hierarchy always gets promoted to the level of incompetence. It tells of how people who commence with an organisation and who perform their job well get themselves promoted. In the new position, they perform well again and get themselves promoted again. This is replicated up the promotional ladder until one day, they get promoted to a position they can't do, and that's where they stay, are shuffled sideways or they are fired.

Another route up the same hierarchical ladder in government is promotion by length of service, where it is not a concern whether someone can do a job well, it is reward for how many years they have given, so they end up doing something they are incompetent at.

The sad thing about the Peter Principle is that it is very real. As humans, we are basically lazy. We will refuse to see the truth. Ironically, the people above the person who is incompetent are often also at their levels of incompetence too, so instead of dealing with the reality of what is occurring or having the guts to do something about it when they do see what is happening below them, they leave people to do jobs they cannot do, or they timidly shuffle them sideways into other jobs that they also cannot do, but where harm to others is reduced.

We all have experiences of people who are obviously doing a job they should not be doing particularly in government. Sadly, I suspect that there are significant numbers of people working in government who are incompetent at what they do because they have risen to their personal level of incompetence. However, public and private companies are also full of incompetent people hiding behind a shield of competency and pretending to be competent when in fact they are simply hoping that they will never be found out. I have known a lot of people like this. Of course, they are never going to admit it, but you can easily see them when it comes to making business decisions.

It always reminds me of the story of two business men arguing. One is quite old, the other quite young. They argue for a while, and then the older man says: "Listen here! I've done this job for 25 years, so you cannot tell me anything." The younger man ponders this for a moment and then says: "Are you sure that you have not simply done the job for one year and then repeated it twenty five times?" Oh, what a telling little story!

Work hierarchies are full of people who do not do a very good job, and those that do rarely stick around very long. I do, of course, recognise and respect the argument for the poor employee who plods on year after year doing a good job. But I think the Peter Principle is correct and that many people, particularly in government departments, hold jobs they are incompetent at.

I have mentioned this because I believe the latter is the seed of bureaucratic bullying.

The Cyclical Nature of Organisational Bullying

Organisational bullying nearly always follows the same pattern. The bully (the organisation) rarely makes BIG overt moves. Instead they wear people down with SMALL covert moves which no-one else sees or recognises as a danger:-

1. The bullying behaviour might take place over hours, days, week, months and even years.

2. Eventually the victim will file a complaint with someone, usually the manager of the department.

3. The manager interviews the people in the organisation accused of bullying behaviour. The 'bullies' (which are usually innocent individually, but guilty as a group) show that they have simply followed rules and procedure and will often use deceptive charm to persuade the interviewer they have not done anything wrong.

4. The manager is faced with his whole team's word against a single solitary individual, usually with no witnesses and no specific evidence, so he/she will always take the word of his/her staff.

5. The Manager is then hoodwinked into either getting rid of the victim in order to further protect the bullying environment, or demeaning the victim and making them think that everything was the victims fault. Once gone, the manager sighs with relief and forgets the whole incident.

6. With the victim now gone, new victims are selected and the process simply gets repeated over and over ad infinitum. That is when you make a negative comment to someone about a particular institution, and they say "Yes, I've heard similar stories form many others."

Organisational bullying is obsessive compulsive behaviour by mostly innocent (and often incompetent) people who do not realise that their collective behaviour represents bullying. Worse still, employers often recognise much later after complaints have been raised that they did indeed promote a type of bullying behaviour, but unlikely to ever admit it because to do so would incur liability for not properly investigating previous complaints. The organisational bullying syndrome wins yet again.

Over 40 Indicators of Organisational Institutional Bullying

Of interest is that these are also the kinds of words used to indicate a one-to-one bullying:-

When you experience an organisation's excessive control with a minimum of effective help, or the help they do provide is useless or inappropriate. They exert unnecessary, unreasonable and controlling behaviour on you. They possess an overwhelming desire to apply the rules and control you and fit you into one of their boxes. If you do not fit into a box, you are treated with apathy, disdain and disinterest.
When you are not allowed to argue or complain. Workers in a bullying organisation can keep you waiting for hours and send you through twenty different people. They can take weeks to process something that should take minutes. They can bully you in ways you never imagined and cause you such frustration that wrist-slitting may seem like a good way out. If you try to make a point about their lack of service, you will be pounced upon. Signs such as: "we will not tolerate bad behaviour" are springing up all over the place. (I have often mused about whether I should get a sign made up which I carry around that says "I will not tolerate inefficiency.") Of course, they will tell you that there is a procedure for complaining, but when you read it, it seems as if that, too, could well be a futile exercise.
When you hear: "I'm only doing my job!" This is the trump card played by all bullying organisations. Another one is "I'm sorry, but I am not authorised to do that!" and then they refuse to let you speak with anyone that is authorised.
When they insist that everyone must conduct themselves within the rules whilst it is obvious to everyone that the rules are silly and need changing.
When you feel you are being harassed continually and getting nowhere. However, the harassment is not clear because they use matters so small that each individual issue in its own right would appear insignificant if taken in isolation. Of course, the bullying institution knows this, so to actually catch an organisational bully, you need to monitor and record the frequency and regularity of the numerous small issues as they build over time into a bigger picture.
When they jump on you when you put a foot wrong, or when you make the observation that you were not getting anywhere with them. Instead of looking outwards to see how they could solve your problem, they look inwards and become defensive. They refuse to be questioned or called to account. All managers hide behind unseen doors.
When they show absolutely no remorse. It is almost as if they are robots without a conscience. They will blame the system as a way of avoiding responsibility for their own behaviour and the effect it has on others.
When they use charm as deception to compensate for their total lack of empathy. They can easily appear plausible and convincing when peers and superiors are around.
When they nit-pick on the smallest things you might have unwittingly done wrong such as failing to tick a particular box.
When they patronise, demean and belittle you in front of others without any conscience or recognition that they are embarrassing you.
They will provide unreasonable requests for paperwork or information that is irrelevant to the issue at hand.
When you see the bullying cycle occurring. With the staff in a bullying organisation, it's all about survival - they either have to adopt bullying tactics or lose their job. Those who stand up against bullying will be victimised so much that they suffer severe health problems such as stress, breakdowns, and made into a scapegoat for others. If illness does not get them, redundancy, early retirement or unfair dismissal faces them.
When they don't stop at just YOU. If you feel you are being bullied by an organisation, then you probably are. With a bit of research, it is likely you will find many others experiencing what you have been experiencing with the same organisation.
When they place you under extreme deadlines to produce information or documents and threaten you that your case will die if you don't meet the deadlines.
When you work for a bullying organisation and they coerce you to leave through threats and other abusive behaviour. If this does not work, they will find other means such as constructive dismissal (which is illegal), early retirement, restructuring, or accusations of ill-health, in fact anything that gets rid of you victim so they can start over again and abuse others.
When they call you at inappropriate times such as 8pm in the evening, particularly if it might benefit them financially, but they are not available to be called at that time.
When you experience total lack of compassion. Compassion is something they do not understand, and instead throw the rule book at you.
When you have great difficulty gaining the attention of a more senior person. Smokescreens start to appear and you will be made to feel unworthy of speaking to anyone more senior than the person facing you right now.
When you are made to feel guilty about yourself, and where they use psychological and emotive techniques so that you truly believe that you are at fault - and not the organisation.
When they demonstrate a need to compulsively criticise whilst simultaneously refusing to praise you.
When they have an overwhelming and unhealthy narcissistic need to grab public attention where possible and to portray the organisation as a wonderful and kind caring institution.. They are almost always totally oblivious to the real discrepancy between how they like to be seen and how they are actually seen.
When you hear their overbearing belief in their own qualities of service which is simply not evident to you.
When they are in constant denial about their own behaviour and everything around them. They abdicate responsibility and attempt to distract victims by using false styles of conciliation.
When they refuse to answer your questions and fabricate without conscience. (I have lost count of the occasions when I was told that something could not be done because of the Data Protection Act - and when I rang the Data Protection Department in London, I found that it was simply untrue.) The purpose here is to avoid answering questions and thus avoiding responsibility for their behaviour.
When they pretend to care about you and will purposely allow you the privilege of giving a long explanation to prove that they are indeed bullies, but when the lengthy explanation is complete, everyone has forgotten the original question and what is left is made out to be trivial. Again, the purpose here is to avoid responsibility for their own behaviour.
When the situation reminds you of the condition Autism, where the people inside the organisation possess few skills of empathy, and fail to see things from another point of view. Instead, they rely on systems, procedures, habit, mimicry and the like to hide their lack of being able to help you.
When you perceive their paranoia. They can perceive non-existent hidden meanings and threats in even the most benign remarks you make, or any situations or events. They frequently perceive that you are attacking them when you are not, and will counter-attack in a peaceful but aggressive manner without realising that there never was anything to attack in the first place.
When they are totally unforgiving of slightsagainst the organisation's character or behaviour and will fight irrationally to receive apologies. They may even demonstrate an arrogance that borders on contempt.
When you see a rule-ridden organisation filled with procedures which does not promote free-thinking. Staff dare not get too involved in dealing with your problem in-depth because it might expose their own inadequacies and ineptitude.
When you experience bullying organisations being oblivious to their own behaviour. Even if you could prove that their behaviour was unacceptable, they would fight tooth and nail to defend their position. They simply cannot see things from another perspective. Most people who try to expose an organisation as a bully, lose!
When you experience their superiority complex. They honestly believe they are better than you, and that you should go and sit in the corner like a child.
When you experience dysfunctional and inefficient staff not doing what they get paid to do. (or in some cases doing things they shouldn't be doing. Is it right for cashiers in a Post Office to be made to blatantly sell credit cards and insurance?) The bullying organisation promotes divisiveness and disruption wherever possible, but always in the name of something positive such as increased efficiency. Bullying organisations see their self-image as 'tough managers' but in the very game of establishing their 'toughness' they alienate most of their staff and customers.
When you see tunnel vision. They may not remember something they did or said a few hours ago, but they are always able to remember and dig up your faults from years ago.
When you see a bullying organisation living in a bubble of their own self-importance. When challenged, for their survival, they will actually believe what comes out of their mouths. That is why it is hard to challenge organisational and institutional bullying behaviour.
When you experience little in the way of communication skills, interpersonal skills or social skills. Instead, the organisation chooses to shuffle you around and hope you will go away so that they can get on with their perceived REAL job.
When it is obvious that the senior managers have no idea of what is going on at the customer interface. For some managers, it might have been decades since they faced a customer eye-to-eye in a completely different technological era. If they did, they would surely change things. Instead, they survive in their ivory towers protected by their own perceived importance and their minions below who will act as gatekeepers so that the truth doesn't ever get to the top.
When they make mountains out of molehills, and will make a big fuss over small trivial matters whilst totally ignoring important or urgent things (such as your problems.)
When you experience a total lack of empathy. Bullying organisations do not know the meaning of empathy. Any attempts at empathy are superficial and amateur and based upon mimicry rather than genuine concern for your problems.
When you have difficulty extracting an apology from them for their mistakes. Bullying organisations rarely your probvlems.sations do not know the meaning of molehills. and customer eye-to-eye.eir ivory towers protected by their minionapologise for their mistakes, and any apology is insincere, hollow, artificial and usually inappropriate, but sadly often convincing to peers, superiors and the outside world.
When you experience them portraying themselves as disarmingly pleasant when another victim is unmasking them in front of you. Bullies are artistes at making themselves appear anything but a bullying type.
When you experience no sense of humour. Any attempts at humour on their part will usually be shallow, flat and superficial.
When you experience few listening skills and when they ignore you and overrule you. They only know the rules and frankly, they don't care about your situation. Talking to people in a bullying organisation can be like talking to a brick wall.
When you experience a cruel and sadistic nature. (Rather than admit that they have a potentially deadly problem with their vehicles, many car makers have often denied problems exist and will, instead, force their customers into expensive solutions just to bully people into spending even more money for their inefficiency)
When you see a Bullying organisation diverting attention away from themselves when faced with problematic situations. They will fiercely point their fingers at others, make false allegations, lie, cheat, cover-up and do anything which takes people's attention away from their own inadequacies. (e.g. software people will blame the hardware people. When you ring the hardware people, they blame the software people.)
When you see a bullying organisation playing the 'health game' by claiming that the victim is "mentally unstable" or "mentally ill" or has some other mental health psychiatric problem. Sadly, what is being said is often a reflection of the organisation's own 'mental health.'
When mediation and conciliation simply doesn't work with a bullying organisation. Bullying organisations see mediation as some sort of appeasement, which they take as a green light to carry on as before. Mediation provides the bullying organisation with the public impression that the they (the bullying organisation) are negotiating and being conciliatory, whilst continuing to bully their victims in private.

In the UK legislation was passed in 1997 that states that bullying, which they define as verbal intimidation rather than physical violence, now constitutes common assault and is now a criminal offence. Bullies are running scared. They are now being found out. They are seeking a hiding place - and guess what? The perfect hiding place is in a large organisation or institution where they may not be able to practice their bullying behaviour on peers and colleagues any more because we all recognise individual bullies today, but they can certainly construct situations to bully customers indirectly using innocent co-workers.

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Stop Online Abusers, Bullies And Stalkers! Beginning Protections

By Melinda Thomas
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What do you do? What do you do when someone bothers you in a chat room or in a public yahoo or MSN group? What do you do when someone writes damaging remarks about you or about other people inside of that chat room, message board or Yahoo or MSN group? We are human beings and so we all react differently when that happens. And if you go online and stay online long enough, it probably will happen to you. Let us examine why this happens, when it happens and what people can do about these injustices.

Where? If you ever enter any kind of chat room, message board or other internet public group or private group where lots of people are gathered, you more than likely will be the victim of an unscrupulous person, a stalker or an abuser. Why? This will happen just because of the vast numbers and varieties of individuals that are online at one time. Think about it. Groups and chat rooms are gatherings, basically mobs. Some are civilized and some are quite uncivilized, depending on the topic. And as history goes, in any mob there are always a few, if not more, trouble-makers, stalkers, abusers and more of similar attitudes. You are bound to bump into one or two. Now you will be prepared when this happens because this article will give you suggestions and ideas on how to handle the situation.

So, the answer to where is everywhere. There is practically no place online where you are safe from those offending individuals. Yes, you might go years and years online without seeing one of them, but chances are, even you, eventually will come across an online bully, abuser or stalker. So, remember, they are everywhere even when you do not see them. Think of the real world. Do you see the murderer or rapist before he commits the crime? Sometimes, not most times, not likely. So trust yourself and know that these people are out there online, right where you are. These people are online in public groups, private groups, in your message boxes, in your chat rooms, even in your professional groups.

When? Abusers, hackers, offenders, and stalkers are online at all times of day. They do not have a regular work schedule so do not be surprised when you see these people online morning night or day or middle of the night. Remember the net is 23/7 and it is global. That means when you think that everyone is sleeping, there is an entire world out there wide awake and getting ready to go to school, work or clubs. You cannot be guaranteed there are no bullies at any particular time of day or night.

How do they choose you? These are the reasons that you might be chosen to be their victim

They admire you and your work and or they are jealous of you or your work or position in society.
They know someone you know and you are a victim by connection.
They are a little paranoid and perhaps take something personal that was not personal.
They might have chosen you because they know you are single or unconnected.
They might have chosen you because of the way that you type. (I will explain this in detail).
They might have chosen you because you are the type of person they do not like (i.e. They might be prejudice or judgmental).
They might have chosen you because you stand out (i.e. If you are Japanese and everyone else is Spanish; that is just an example).
They might have chosen you due to your age or your political affiliation.
Many times they choose people who put their pictures online. They will choose you either because they love your picture or hate your picture. Either way, you can't win with an abuser, stalker, online offender. If you must put a picture online, make it a picture that is blurred, unclear, or very small. And use the same picture all the time. Never post more than one picture of yourself online. Make the picture "read-only".
Many times the abusers choose victims who reveal a lot about themselves. The more information they have about you, the better they can bully, abuse and stalk you.

Bottom line is that when abusers, bullies and stalkers choose their victims, it does not matter what or whom the victim is. They choose their victims just because they need a victim, any victim. And generally they choose people who are unconnected, single, young or alone. Sometimes they choose someone that they are jealous of. Don't take it personal because when you are free of them they will just move on to another victim, a different victim.

Typing: When you research enough about bullies and stalkers you will find that they actually do choose some victims by the way that the victims type. They are known to choose people who type slow, people who type in all caps or type in all small letters. They tend to choose women, and young people. (Yes some choose men, but the majority chosen are women and children, especially single women and children who are unconnected). Sometimes they choose people that they know. So, type in both capital letters and in small letters.

Remedy: So, how do you stop or slow an abuser, stalker, bully down? The very best way, and most proven effective way to slow these people down or bore them or stop them is to totally ignore them. Any attention you give to them is attention they are receiving. That is what they are after. They want the attention, even if they get negative attention, that is their goal. So, how do you give them no or less attention? If you are in a group, and the person posts something directed at you, do not respond to that person. It is as simple as that. What do the experts tell you to do when your child has a temper tantrum? They tell you to ignore them and do not give them what they want. You do the same thing with the abuser, bully or stalker, never give them attention. Remember this, it does not matter what they post about you or what they say to you, your main goal should be to totally ignore the bully. Think about it. If someone posts something offensive to you, why bother to give that person attention.

Let the group see that person for whom they really are, and let the whole group see that you are simply ignoring the person. That is one way to have them back off. And guess what? If they do not back off when you ignore them, your next step is to ignore them again. Now you have it. You are an expert when it comes to avoiding bullies, abusers and stalkers. (In the case of abusers or stalkers or bullies that actually threaten your life, you have many other options besides ignoring them but all first actions must be to ignore them. Begin a journal of times, dates, actions and cut and paste their offenses. Keep complete records. And keep ignoring them. Now, remember this vitally important step. If the bully continues after you have ignored him, ignore, ignore and ignore him more. That is the only solution that will help you. Any attention that you give to a bully is exactly what that bully wants. So do not give any bully any attention.

Never address them by name; never address any communication or emails or mail or calls to them; completely ignore them. At the same time that you ignore the bully, respond to all your friends and your co-workers and others in the group or chat room. Here's one important thing, when you begin your IGNORE campaign, do not even tell the bully that you are ignoring him. That defeats the purpose. So many people plan to ignore someone and the first thing they do is to type, "I am ignoring you". Do not do that. Just begin ignoring the bully without letting him know verbally that you are ignoring him. He will soon get the message and he and the entire group will see that he is just talking to himself. When you choose your email accounts, have one personal account for your family or friends, and have a totally different email address or name that you use online at message boards and in chat rooms.

If you want more answers, suggestions and ideas about how to handle abusers, bullies and workplace bullies, go to the library and get the book called, The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. This is a handbook that every human being should have on their bookshelves. Gaven DeBecker is a former detective and investigator and has authored many books on the subject of safety and security, including the book about children and child safety called, Protecting The Gift. If you are or ever were a victim of a bully, verbal abuser, or stalker, you need to have this book on your bookshelves, The Gift Of Fear.

More Ideas:

When typing in chat rooms or message boards or other internet groups, post that you are married. Show a connection to people, showing that you are not alone. When you type in profiles or type about yourself, type "we", instead of I. (Yes, I take my own advice but ezine@expertauthor.com would not permit me to use the word, "we" since I am one author of these articles. Have no fear, I might be alone typing the article or writing it (I am the author) but I am very well connected in my life, my family and my community.

Type in both caps and small letters always. Try not to post pictures on the net. Do not give information about where you hang out, where you stay, where you go to school or where you go to work. (IF you do this you could give yourself an online stalker that moves into your real life).

Those are some protections. Your other protections are reporting these individuals. In another article we will tell you how and where to report these abusers, bullies and stalkers.

Bully Tricks: Do not allow a bully to trick you into staying quiet and not reporting him. One of the most effective tricks that online bullies use is to tell their victims that reporting does nothing. They pressure their victims into thinking and into believing that if the victim reports the incident, that the authorities will do nothing. Many times in chat rooms, bullies spread the word that reporting does nothing. If you are a victim of an online bully, remember that you should not believe any of the propaganda that the bully spouts out. Reporting does work. It might take some good organization and proper reporting but reporting online bullies definitely works.

If you are ever bullied by anyone, in work, school or anywhere else, remember that you are not alone and that things will begin to get better as soon as you decide to reveal the bully's secrets. Do not protect the bully by not telling on the bully. Protect yourself and TELL!

Updated May 2008.


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How to Confront Bullies From a Personal and a Parent's Perspective

By Tony McCleary
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Expert Author Tony McCleary

Bullies are intolerable people who love to torment anyone that they can overpower with their temperamental personality; and many times they will use force to subject the victim to their will. They can be passive to very aggressive, and whose ego at times drives them to act totally and completely out of control. This, at least, is my definition and observation over the years based on my personal experience with bullies.

You hear more and more about the crimes committed by bullies all the way to the finest universities. Some come from affluent families, and you can find them anywhere in the world. I was a victim of bullies in grammar school while living in Mexico in the 50's, and in the U.S. when I attended middle school and high school. I managed to live through it all literally by the help of my dad, school friends, and many times with my own fists.

How to confront bullies? The question of the day, and being a father of three adult children myself, I have to admit that none ever came to me with any trouble regarding an issue with a bully. I used to advise them to let me or their mother know immediately of any particular problem in school. My boys, I am sure, were able to take care of themselves. But it was my daughter that I was concerned with the most. Only once did I hear of an incident of aggression while she was in high school, and it was immediately resolved by her friends. She was never bothered again by the same bully.

I learned a long time ago from my dad not to take anything sitting down, meaning that: I should have the courage to face my aggressors. When I read of fatal crimes on MSN news, many times it turns out that the culprit is the longtime boyfriend, a husband, a wife, a neighbor, a girlfriend, other fellow students, and the occasional mistress. How do you confront your own worst enemy who is someone you might be living with? I will address that issue.

When I was young and living in Mexico, I got severely beaten up by a friend of a friend of mine no less. The whole thing was set up, and I became the target for multiple kicks to my shins. When my dad found out, and he saw my bleeding shins, he didn't hesitate to go after the family of the bully. When we got to the kid's house, his father answered the door. My dad asked if his boy was in. I thought that my dad would slap the kid right on his face when he came to the door, but the bully stood a few feet back. He was 12 years old, tallish, mean-looking, and I was barely 8 years old and thin.

My dad looked at the kid, and then he said to his father, "If I ever hear that your son has hurt my son again, I will personally find him and kick him myself." All that I remember after that encounter is that I never saw the kid ever again cross my path--he certainly took my dad's threat seriously!

The year was 1956, and today bullies thrive in every community, and they come from every level of society. There is a solution, and I will give you all of my experience on this subject which is founded on the pain of bruised legs and bleeding shins, black eyes, sore arms, demeaning insults, and those well-aimed fists that went straight to my rib cage or to my stomach. (I can still remember the excruciating pain as I landed on my knees a few times too many, while trying to recover my breath.)

If you are a parent, please learn from the lessons that I learned from my father and by myself, as I confronted bullies right through high school (never had to in university, thank God!). I will pass to you what I did with my children while they attended school, and perhaps you will find something valuable that will help you to protect your children from bullies. Maybe you're not a parent but a single person, and you're experiencing an issue with a bully that bothers you, then I will give you some advise on that also.

- With children, it's important to establish a good line of communication early on in their lives. Not just a passing relationship, but one that's active and friendly. The reason I emphasize this point is that you want to avoid, if possible, having your child not disclose information on a personal problem with a bully in school because he or she might be too embarrassed to tell you. Encourage them to speak to you, and please refrain from belittling them if they are hurting, as some parents tend to do.

- I am a firm believer that sports of any sort, and the martial arts in particular, are an outstanding vehicle for a child's development. Help your child to build their confidence to the point that they can fend for themselves pretty well. If necessary, don't hesitate to speak with their teacher if a problem with a bully persists.

- Instill in your children a sense of worth as they're growing up, and even when they're fully grown. Let them know that life is good, and all will be fine. Whenever a bully comes across their path, they will stand up for themselves, mainly because they can count on you for support. Teaching them to walk away only makes the bully become braver, and even more aggressive the next time they meet your child--and normally this occurs in the school yard, or outside the school premises.

My mom taught me that lesson, that is, to walk away from all fights, bullies, etc.; and all that it accomplished was to have the bully or bullies catch up to me and beat me up anyway. Unfortunately, that lesson was not practical, even if it came from my mom! Facing my oppressors became a better policy for survival, and for me it worked.

- If you happen to have a bully, or more than a few, working at your company, and he or she is forever picking on you or making you feel bad, you have options. You may report them to the management, and normally someone will talk to this individual, or maybe not. The other best option is to simply face the bully outright, and firmly tell them that you do not approve of their aggression and bad behavior toward you. Sometimes bullies just need to be told outright to stop it! Know right now that bullies in general are cowards, and their biggest weapon is their mouth. Also remember this, their motivation to harass you is their perception that you fear them.

- If the bully happens to be your marital or non-marital partner, or another family member, and we are talking about a relationship that has lasted a while, then, you must come to terms with it. You need to find a permanent solution. Who do you discuss this problem with in your own world? Let's see the alternatives.

Ignoring the problem will not make it better, nor will it go away. People have lost their lives for letting a situation of this nature fester for too long. You need to seek family counseling, and that route may help. Today, anger management classes have taken a lot of importance, and for many people it does work. Try whatever it will take to bring peace to your life and to your family. Speak to your parents, your minister, and close friends for support. Don't hide the issues hoping for a dramatic change in the bully for the better. It just doesn't happen!

I'll give you examples of 2010 real case events that went tragic for the students who were bullied right on to their deaths:

1) A female top honor university student in her senior year was beaten to a pulp by her longtime and highly popular Lacrosse-playing boyfriend, also a student at the same school. He left her to bleed to death right in her dormitory room. His response when he was apprehended hours later was, "I didn't mean to kill her."

2) A young high school girl was harassed without mercy by fellow students for having gone out with a boyfriend of one of her tormentors. The bullies haunted her all the way to Facebook with vicious fabricated comments about her. She decided to commit suicide because she was too ashamed to face life any longer.

3)A very bright male student in university was exposed by another student for his homosexuality via a video that showed up on the Internet. The student felt that suicide was the only alternative, and he took his life by jumping off a very high bridge.

It is very sad to know that perhaps something could have been done by a relative or a friend to prevent the suffering and eventual death of each student.

We get only one chance to live our lives, and it's just a shame that we must suffer unduly, or even die in the process of our journey. But many people do, especially children and young adults at the hands of bullies. This fact is well-known throughout the world.

Your life is today, not tomorrow, and certainly not yesterday. Do something today, if you must to correct a situation that disturbs you seriously, and your tomorrow will take care of itself. There are many groups and agencies that can assist you to overcome an aggressive, or even a dangerous condition at home from a bully.

Remember how my dad protected me in Mexico from that bully that kicked me many times? From that experience, I made up my mind to learn to defend myself; and it helped me to teach my own children later on in my life not to take anything sitting down, especially from bullies.

I once had a bully brother-in-law who enjoyed beating up on my oldest sister. One day, he decided that my parents were fair game, so for no reason at all he started insulting them. I called the police immediately for help! I was only 10 years old, and he was a mature adult who was 6 feet 5 inches tall and weighed easily 250 pounds, but I didn't hesitate to confront him. I found out soon enough that this guy feared the police a lot more than losing his own life.

I called the police on two more occasions to save my sister from a possible beating, and he eventually left the country. For years my sister would deny that her ex-husband was a violent bully. Whenever she was all bruised up from a beating by him, she would tell everyone that she had hit the closet doors by accident. Self-denial was her motto, only to hide the fact that she had a lousy marriage and a brutal husband.

You want to know how to confront a bully? Then, allow me to recap from my own experiences in life the most important points for your benefit: stand up for yourself and your children; don't hesitate to call for help when needed; keep your dignity and your self-respect at all cost; don't suffer needlessly; changing a bully to a nice person is not your responsibility, allow the professionals to do it; be ready to make changes in your environment; self-denial is not a solution; if you must intervene to help a victim, do so; and pray daily for your well-being, and for those you love.

Your life, and that of your children, relatives, and close friends are too precious to risk a severe beating, or to lose it at the hands of a bully. You can do something about it, before it's too late!

This article was inspired by the tragic deaths of the three young students. May the parents of all the students involved in these tragedies find peace.

Please read my other articles found in Ezine Articles on various subjects of interest. You might also wish to go to my blog for additional information and updates. My email is included with my blog.

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Bullying Is Not Over Yet!

By Rana Qubain
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Expert Author Rana Qubain

Bullying is something we all hope not to have to deal with much beyond school days. Unfortunately, the bullies you tried to avoid at school will most probably grow up and follow you to the workplace. Adult bullying has become a common trend in both small and large organizations. Employees as well as managers should be able to easily distinguish between the various forms of bullying such as hostile communication, exclusion of certain employees, public humiliation, making some employees the target of particular jokes and using faulty language. In addition, employees who are being bullied should be able to handle the issue immediately; otherwise, it can result in high levels of stress, low self-esteem, lower productivity and possibly depression.

Most bullied employees simply choose to quit in order to escape the trouble and the stress, but why give bullies the victory when you can win the battle as well as preserve your job? While bullying obviously harms those directly targeted, it can also affect onlookers and ultimately lead to an unhealthy organizational culture. Here are some ways to identify the main types of bullying behavior and the way to handle each one of them.

Chronic Bullying

This form of bullying is the meanest and cruelest of all as it is part of the individual's nature and everyday behaviors. Chronic Bullies behave with an intention to harm and they have pleasure in torturing others. They usually target those who have low self-esteem levels.

How can employees survive a Chronic Bully and stop him from crossing the line? Humor is the ultimate solution. Using humor is the best way to disarm a bully. Telling a joke about yourself, will give the impression that you are not intimidated by the bully's criticism and will help the bully let down his wall of insecurity. In general, when you make a bully feel that he's an insider rather than the person who has to fight his way in, he becomes more approachable and easier to deal with.

Situational Bullying

This is the most common type of bullying and usually happens in specific situations such as, high stress levels at work, change, competition and conflict. In such situations, Situational bullies can turn on their colleagues through verbal abuse, intimidation and aggression. However, these acts are only temporary and tend to stop once the situational factors disappear or when they feel it is in their favor to do so. In fact, Situational Bullies can be very friendly when it comes to achieving their personal career goals.

When dealing with a Situational Bully, one of the common mistakes that you should avoid is to become defensive about the situation. Defending your actions through explaining why you did something signals weakness. Don't argue with the bully as it will make him more hostile and will definitely blow things out of proportion. The Situational Bully tends to meet aggression with aggression. Instead, stay calm and keep the argument at a minimum. Again, the most useful piece of advice that you should follow in this regard, is to use humor to disseminate the situation.

Unaware Bullying

Some bullies might not be aware of their bullying behavior or the effects it might have on their colleagues. The Unaware Bully is someone who just happens to be in the mood for criticizing and commenting and is totally oblivious to what he is doing.

The best way to deal with Unaware Bullies is to ignore them because their bullying behavior is not intentional and most probably will not happen again. However, once the bullying behavior starts to reoccur, you must confront the bully and tackle the situation at once. A typical reaction of an Unaware Bully would be to become defensive as he might not be aware of his bullying behavior but most of them will stop and apologize.

If you have exhausted all your options and the above suggested solutions with no control over the situation, then you will be left with only one alternative and that is to communicate your problem to top management. Top managers in the company have a huge responsibility towards keeping the work environment bully-free. They should be able to solve such situations immediately through creating a zero tolerance anti-bullying policy that details how employees should treat each other and the punishment that any employee will be subject to incase they mistreat one of their colleagues.

If your company is not supportive of making the changes that will help you feel less bullied, then maybe you should move on and find another Job. After all, if the corporate culture is one that won't support and protect you from anti-productive bullying, do you really want to work there anyway? Well, maybe you do, for other reasons such as your compensation and the other people you work with. But if not, then it's time you moved on. Just remember, bullies will always be there, in every industry and almost every company, so be prepared!

Rana Qubain is the Marketing Coordinator of Akhtaboot - the career network, the Middle East's leading online recruitment website. Rana currently works on different projects covering competition analysis and new product development of career related service.

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Bully for You

By Karen E Clarke
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I saw Karate Kid this week with my children; Jackie Chan was marvelous as usual, as was Jaden Smith. Apart from being very entertaining however, the movie does serve to remind us that bullying is an international and cross cultural problem. I struggled to understand bullying as a child and I suppose part of me imagined that our world would eventually see it for what it is and decide to do more life enhancing practices, but disappointingly it is still undeniably present in schools, workplaces, politics both national and international, within relationships and across societies and cultures.

We witness many instances in schools, we also witness managers intimidate staff, staff intimidate managers, parents bully their own children, sports coaches bully protégés, husbands and wives bully each other, siblings bully siblings, corporations bully governments, governments bully well, just about everybody, countries bully countries, and the USA perhaps has a little room for improvement?

We should meet abuse by forbearance. Human nature is so constituted that if we take absolutely no notice of anger or abuse, the person indulging in it will soon weary of it and stop - Mahatma Gandhi

On the face of it there are two sides to the story. The bully and the victim or more commonly, the 'good guy' and the 'bad guy'. It is easy to determine; a bully is someone who imposes themselves on the space of the victim and demands something, or behaves in an intimidating or threatening manner and the victim is the person/organization/country etc. on which the bully inflicts their behavior. The victim's response is often determined by whether their fight response or the flight response is triggered. If the bully has accurately assessed their target; and trust me they do shop around for the perfect candidate, it will generally be a person/organization etc. who predominantly prefers the flight response as a primary means of resolving conflict.

As a general rule in our western culture, bullying is honoured and glorified through the medium of television and movies. Given the content of an average Saturday night's programmes we appear to be quite comfortable viewing acts of violence and dominance. It is ironic that we are happy to watch people kill and maim each other for entertainment and yet still wonder at the violence and aggression demonstrated in our world.

But I digress, what is less obvious is that in order for a bully to feel compelled to action, they must first feel threatened or inadequate in some way and interestingly enough, this is not always by the person they are intimidating. The mere fact that they use aggressive or dominant behaviour to gain significance, by default shows that they are feeling a sense of fear, lack or weakness. The mistake they make is the belief that making someone else feel small will increase their own sense of personal power. What they actually find from the aggressive behaviour is a momentary distraction from their internal discomfort but then their own pain is immediately increased as a result of causing suffering to another person. They are of course totally oblivious to this pattern and it remains deeply embedded in the unconscious. This is demonstrated in the same way whether it be in school yards, marriages, relationships, politics or the business and corporate sectors.

In relation to bullying, it perhaps serves our purpose better to ask the question; Who is the real victim?
You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger - Buddha
I am really lucky and eternally grateful to have had firsthand experience of bullying as a child beginning in primary school. In retrospect it was a very interesting experience and I didn't appreciate the lasting positive lessons it would ultimately teach me.

At the time I couldn't really understand why I was targeted. I thought it might have been because I had so many brothers (6), or because I owned a pony (instant snob apparently), or because although I attended a Catholic school my parents did not make me go to church regularly which differentiated me from most of the children there (evidently being different is a bad thing). It was probably simply because I was so skinny and so quiet and shy, in fact, as time passes I think the fact that I have remained skinny is even now deeply irritating to many of my friends although thankfully they are all much too grown up and loving for bullying.

Whatever reason it was, I was apparently an interesting prospect. In my primary school in the North of England there was one girl in particular who decided I had superb 'victim' potential. I will call her Jane but this is of course not her real name and I would hasten to add, we were young children and she has probably grown up into a marvelous adult or at least I hope so.

Anyway, Jane didn't like me much at all. To make matters worse she was about twice my size in height and very big and muscle-bound which was a little intimidating. One day, when I was about 8 years old, I arrived at school to find that no-one in my group of friends was talking to me, at all. I mean really not talking; they didn't even look at me. I was utterly rejected and outcast which was confusing and deeply hurtful especially as included in this group was my best friend Sarah. As it later turned out, apparently Jane had banned them from associating with me. A few days after my banishment from the group, Sarah secretly handed me a letter in which she deeply apologised for not talking to me and swore her undying love and support. She told me via the letter that she felt compelled to follow Jane's orders but wanted me to know that she loved me and felt terrible about the whole thing. Cold comfort really when you are 8 years old.

This problem continued for me on and off and to varying degrees throughout primary school. Although Jane and I went to the same high school we had very little contact with each other until one evening at the local youth club. Now this was one of my very early, very self-conscious social experiences as a teenager. I have an awful feeling that I might have been wearing skin-tight, deep pink satin trousers but don't tell anyone. Our local youth club opened its doors on Friday nights and invited the youth of the area to come and listen to music and play ping-pong and pool. I was about 12 at the time. Sarah, my 'not so loyal' friend, was leaving for Scotland and we were having a little farewell gathering to say goodbye. We were sitting together around a table and for some reason Sarah thought it was funny to tap me with her shoe. I found this rather annoying and despite my protests she wouldn't stop. Eventually, I loudly and heatedly, told her to leave me alone. Unbeknownst to me Jane, (the Amazon sized super bully) must have been watching us from a distance and came flying over to where we were sitting. Remembering that as she was twice as tall as me and had a very strong build, and I was skinny as a rake and sitting down; she towered over me like some angry fire-breathing dragon. She furiously insisted I step outside and fight her. It was so ridiculous, almost like a warped movie script.

I think it was at that moment I snapped, I had enough. I was so sick and tired of being intimidated and pushed around and I was, for the first time with anyone outside of my immediate family, passionately, unreservedly and absolutely, wild with anger. I stood up and glared at Giant Jane and yelled, as loud as I could, "Are you out of your mind? Have you seen the size of you and the size of me? Has it not occurred to you that we are girls? If you think for one second that I am going to go out into a car park so that you can mash me into the ground then you have got another think coming!" She was so shocked by my reaction (as was I to a certain degree), that she deflated on the spot. She turned and walked away and that was that.

A few weeks later Jane approached me on the school bus. She apologised for her behavior and told me that she was having great difficulties at home. She was an adopted child with a problematic and aggressive father and things had not been going easily for her.

So, again, my question is, who was the real victim and who experienced the most suffering during all those years?

I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent- Mahatma Gandhi

What does this teach us that we can use to help both children & adults facing bullies? Well, firstly, the understanding that bullies invariably have difficulties in their lives can add a necessary dose of compassion to an often emotion filled situation. It doesn't necessarily solve the problem but it can help in the solution finding process.

Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit - Napoleon Hill

Human beings are not naturally aggressive or unkind. Unprovoked aggression is not our first instinct. We are naturally inclined to save, rescue and care for each other. It has been demonstrated time and time again that humans will put themselves at risk to save complete strangers. This is not basic animal nature; this is human nature and testament to our evolution from the primal state. Babies will cry when they hear someone crying, toddlers will comfort each other, children (and most adults) will be easily distressed by anger or violence. This is intrinsic to us and, when un-interfered with, our essential self.

Therefore, when faced with a bully, knowing that something has happened to them to distort the natural evolution of a healthy and happy individual, can at the very least, move you to a place of compassion.

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive - Dalai Lama

Secondly, what does the victim do? In understanding the structure of bullying, the victim can very quickly notice that in fact they hold all the power. They have a choice as to whether they behave aggressively or peacefully. They have a choice as to whether they feel the need to take steps or not. They have a choice as to whether they take the bully's behavior to be an indication of their value and self-worth, or simply the expression of an individual who is in pain that is seeking an avenue to channel through. They have a choice as to whether they take the bully seriously or not. They have a choice as to whether they stay in the situation where they are easily targeted or not. The point being here, the 'victim' has not one, but many choices.

You could argue that the bully also has a choice and this also would be true. However, bullies generally don't perceive the situation as a problem and are not aware or often even interested in the other choices that are available to them. The bully is not operating consciously, however the victim being in a neutral space is therefore more able to assess the situation and has as many choices as they can conceive of. The victim is not a victim by definition unless they choose to accept the role. The bully is driven by a need to dominate and overpower that is outside of their consciousness. They are compelled to find a victim on which they can project their own suffering onto. If you refuse to play the game, then the bully will continue searching until they find another. The whole bully/victim cycle requires that someone 'agrees' to be the victim. This cycle will only end when the bully tires of this pattern and seeks a different solution to their internal pain state. This is the beginning of their awakening from their deep sleep.

So, what understandings do we need to effectively combat bullying?

1. The 'Victim' Holds All The Power - Notice the balance of power is in the victim's favour. The bully is motivated by their own pain and is simply looking for an opportunity to unburden themselves. The victim chooses to either accept or reject the role of victim.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission - Mahatma Gandhi

2. Location, location, location - Do you stay or do you go? Where do you position yourself in relation to this person? Explore the options and make a conscious decision about what you can do to diffuse the situation or alter the status quo. This may be as simple as choosing to live/work/play in a different place and with different people or enjoy being by yourself for a time.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy - Martin Luther King, Jr.

3. If the problem persists - Take Action. Remember that there are infinite choices available and you are only limited by your ability to imagine. Your mind contains all that is required to resolve the situation. If the problem has persisted over a length of time it simply demonstrates that you have not yet discovered the one thing you need to do. Most importantly, when considering the options, do remember that

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind - Mahatma Gandhi

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Seven Signs of Bullying

By Kathleen Bartle
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Expert Author Kathleen Bartle

I love the Internet. Every day there are articles on bullying and bullies, educating us to see the signs of bullying and providing tips on what to do to help ourselves. But most of the signs and tips are generic. Things like 'pressuring', 'isolation' or 'shouting', 'persistent criticism', and 'flaring tempers' seem to be examples of bullying*. But many of these behaviors can be found in situations without any bullying accusations. Sometimes these behaviors are 'let's get-the-job done' leadership behaviors or 'I'm totally frustrated' human behaviors. Ambiguous definitions and explanations of bullying lead to problems. For example:

If bullying is defined broadly, targets fail to see a serious situation as bullying and fail to act early on their own behalf.

If bullying definitions are too generic, there is a dearth of public support for targets.

If bullying is not a big deal then unhelpful suggestions like: 'managing up', and deep breathing, or, (once I saw this) 'lavender oil', seems to be reasonable solutions.

If bullying is just good leadership/power/get the job done behavior, then people have license to bully because it makes them good leaders (witness the recent comments on Great Britain Prime Minister Gordon Brown's defenders noting he should be a bully because that's what leaders need to do).

If bullying is just 'I lost my temper', then we cannot create guidelines for what is acceptable or unacceptable behavior. We need clarity.

Bullying is life damaging, career destroying, and confidence killing behavior. Bullying is persistent, pervasive, and gut wrenching. It might be as wide-spread as 30% of the working population. It impacts both men and women; is perpetrated by both men and women and is not confined to certain workplaces or pay grades or educational status. It is everywhere. I know. I've been bullied. I know, as an executive coach focusing on bullying and conflict issues, because my practice is replete with bully targets and bullies. I know because I have read over 10 years of research documenting, clarifying, and explaining the incidence and prevalence of bullying. Visit the Workplace Bully Institute for a nice collection of research on this topic. The more you know, the more power you have.

In the interests of separating simply bad behavior from bullying, I've labeled and defined seven unambiguous signs bullying behaviors.

Seven Signs you have a Bully by the Horns

Sign 1: The Big Set-up. Your boss is complaining about your work performance and it has little to do with reality.

Sign 2: Boxed In. Everyone is turning against you. They don't talk to you but there are plenty of rumors about you. You're isolated and it feels like you're facing a mob situation on most days.

Sign 3: City Never Sleeps. You're so anxious that you feel everything and everyone is against you. Whereas once you were loved and loving, now you don't trust anything or anyone. You cannot sleep, you are sick, tired, or emotionally distraught.

Sign 4: Weeping Willow Tree. You go home at night and cry, you can't sleep, your health is shot, and you cry on the way to work in the morning. Your family is becoming sick of hearing you discuss the situation and have run out of advice for handling things.

Sign 5: Pretzel-ized. You are shrinking down, twisting around, and getting tangled up trying to be someone else so that your bully and his friends stop tripping you up. You try to anticipate every infraction to avoid being attacked, you work extra hard, extra long, extra fast, to try and stay safe. But it's not working.

Sign 6: My Invitation was Lost in the Mail. Everyone seems to know what's going on, everyone except you that is. Meetings happen, decisions are made, and you're so far out of the loop you might as well stay home.

Sign 7: Warning Will Robinson. Your instincts are screaming at you-this isn't right, something's wrong, I'm not crazy. Are you listening?

If most of these signs are in your life, then you are quite probably a bully target.

Keep in mind you can't fix this situation. Some bullies can be helped but not by the target. Bullies can't be managed UP. And if, like #10 Downing Street, everyone thinks that leaders should be bullies, you're really on your own. And, when you realize you are on your own, it is time to plan your exit. Read on for strategies for moving on.

Oops, Gotta' Go: Seven Strategies for Escape

On February 22nd, 2010, The United Kingdom's Prime Minister Gordon Brown was accused of being a bully boss. Apparently he's been seen shoving, grabbing, screaming at, and dressing down his staff with abandon. He's the bully; his employees, the targets.

According to the author of a new tell-all about Brown, it's common knowledge that he has a temper. One reporter called noted Brown has 'the temperament and people skills of a wounded bear'.

One of Brown's defenders exclaimed, Brown should be a bully because being a leader requires it. Apparently, if you're a leader and NOT a bully, you're ineffectual by definition (Feb 23, 2010 evening news). But, I digress.

On point: Brown's targets did not quit their jobs. Some called the National Bully Hotline asking for help and advice, all well and good, but they stayed in their jobs. Maybe they had to stay for the money or the benefits. Maybe they were ashamed about the situation and blamed themselves. It's not uncommon to stay in a bully situation.

When asked why targets of bullying stay, the common answers include: ''I have nowhere to go', 'I don't believe in myself, who would believe in me', 'I'm to sick, too afraid, to bruised to find a new post', 'I can't'! Some don't even realize they're being bullied. 'This is bullying?' 'I thought it was me!', 'I thought this is just the way things are'.

Denial is a typical first response. Then comes self-blame, confusion, and fear happen. These are followed by grief, illness, powerlessness, and a destruction of self-confidence. We cannot see the forest for the trees. We are lost.

If a bully life sounds like your life - at work, at home, or with friends, read on for steps to developing your Exit Strategy (a fancy phrase for getting out or planning your escape).

Seven Strategies for Leaving Your Bully Situation

Ducks in a Row. Prepare your resume and your references. This gives you a confidence boost as you review all your accomplishments and remember you were once appreciated and effective.
Use what you have. Use your contacts, social networking, face-to-face networking, and all your relationships for leads to new jobs.
Transfer? Consider transferring to another department or office in your workplace but, if the culture is pro-bully, this move may not help.
Look Before you Leap. When interviewing, watch for signs of pro-bully mindset and, if it's there, run the other way. This is the frying pan to the fire problem. Listen to the Robot!
Watch Your Back. While planning your escape, keep copious records of the bullying, witnesses, reports you made, etc. You may need this to protect yourself-we don't want the door to smack you on the way out.
Revenge isn't sweet. Forget it. Revenge rarely satisfies. Years ago I remember a report on sex harassment survivors who sued and won. To a person they were no better off financially three years after the lawsuit than they were before. They lost their jobs, their careers, and their mojo.
Heal Thyself. Bully targets feel like victims because they are. But a victim mindset is a terrible burden to carry around. Seek help from a counselor, coach, or spiritual advisor-someone who understands the unique damage done by on-going bullying, intimidation, and pressure. If you don't have a specialist, you may feel unheard or misunderstood. Remember being bullied is real, serious, and deeply damaging. Many people cannot believe it. They think you're exaggerating. This doesn't help you.

Bullying defined:

"physical contact which is unwanted, unwelcome remarks about a person's age, dress, appearance, race or marital status, jokes, offensive language, gossip, slander, sectarian songs and letters, posters, graffiti, obscene gestures, flags, bunting (bunting?!) and emblems, isolation or non-co-operation and exclusion from social activities, coercion for sexual favours, pressure to participate in politicial/religious groups, intrusion by pestering, spying and stalking, failure to safeguard confidential information, shouting at staff, setting impossible deadlines, persistent criticism, personal insults" Source: National Bullying Helpline.

An interpersonal relationship advisor and certified master coach Kathleen Bartle is dedicated to the empowerment of women and men facing workplace and relationship conflicts including bullying and harassment. Kathleen holds a Masters in Professional Coaching, Certification in Co-Active Coaching and Relationship Systems training and a C.Phil. in Sociology. She is the founder of KathleenBartle.com, www.kathleenbartle.com.

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Bullying and What Your Children May Never Tell You

By Mary Jean Stephenson
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Expert Author Mary Jean Stephenson

Is your child bullied or is your child a bully? Do you really know for sure? Don't ever assume you know the answer, you could be totally wrong. Every parent should sit down with their children and have a heart to heart talk. A discussion where the child can say anything that is on their mind without feeling bad or embarrassed.

I grew up in an area with a small school comparison to the big city schools. Many years ago bullying was pretty small time to what it has become today. But even so, I was bullied and as small time as it was it did have a long-term effect on my self-esteem. If I had to have grown up today in the big cities I would probably be one of the kids that would be physically harmed. Pretty scary and I am in great sympathy with the shy kids of today.

Don't ever think your kids will tell you what is going on. I never told my parents and even after I was an adult I never told. I hated school until my last year, which I managed to muster up enough self-esteem to feel somewhat good about myself.

My husband also had attended a small school and was always taunted by this kid that was a lot bigger than him. After being tired of this harassment he was off the school grounds and took a 2 X 4 and beat the kid up. I guess the other kids witnessing this decided it was a fair fight and did not step in. Nobody messed with my husband again and the kid never told probably because his father would have laughed at him for being beat up by a smaller kid.

Today the consequences for a kid that insists on being a bully could be more than just a beating it could result in being shot. For the victim it could result in suicide. The stress of being bullied is outrageous.

Children can be merciless. For anyone to blow it off as "kids will be kids" needs to get a grip on reality. Kids don't just stop at one little joke, they wait for an audience and then embarrass another child usually one that they know they can humiliate. Children rarely can comeback with witty remarks they have just not lived enough to be prepared for it. Example your child has just gotten his first pair of glasses and is pretty pleased, but is totally unprepared for what happens next. Come on you surely know, he is going to be called 4 eyes. Now if the case were true, he could comeback with "don't you know that people with glasses are smart and that is why I get A's and you get F's". He could smile and walk away. The crowd would now be laughing at the other kid. But you know that kids are rarely that witty, most of us are not. But what most likely will happen is that every time they pass your kid he will be called 4 eyes. Have that thrown at you from a bunch of kids day after day, maybe 20 times a day and then you now can feel what your child has to deal with.

The harassment that kids have to put up with would never be allowed in the workplace and adults have much better coping skills than children do. If anything even remotely were to happen in the workplace like is happening day after day in the schools the human resources person would be right in the middle of it. The person would be reprimanded or possibly fired.

My daughter is now grown but years ago she was late coming home from school, I was about ready to go looking for her. Should have taken her 10 minutes to come and now it was 20 minutes. I asked her why she was late; she probably would have not told me. Anyways there was a boy 2 years older than her that had blocked her from coming down the enclosed pathway from the school. I immediately contacted the school and told them the kids name and that if he ever did that again I would call the police. So either the school deals with it or the kid's parents would have a visit from the police. The school had both of the children in the principal's office and informed the boy what would happen next time. He was very nice to my daughter after that and he gave her a little gift. The boy had an older sister and I believe she beat up on him. So you think you really know your kids, think again!

My daughter's solution to harassment as I was not aware of a lot of it was when she got in the seventh grade she sought out the biggest and meanest girl she could find, one that nobody messed with and became good friends with. It was survival skills which was her goal that pretty much stopped some of the issues she had with a girl and her sister from previous years.

I always told my daughter if she ever wonders what she should or shouldn't do; just pretend I am standing there watching you and then you will know what is right.

Children should know that anything that makes someone else unhappy, such as teasing especially if they never are considered as a friend, taking someone's belongings without permission, pushing, shoving, hitting, ridiculing, calling names, knocking books or whatever on the floor and whatever else you can possibly think of. Behavior that you would not allow to take place if you were standing there or for that matter you would not put up with at a job.

Children that are bullies need to know what they need to stop and the victims need to know what they have a right to complain about. For the kids that are neither they can make this world a better place by learning to be an advocate for anti-bullying. The schools need to be constantly pressured to make the place of learning an enjoyable place for all children.


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Technology Creates a Monster - Meet Cyber Bullying

By April Hildebrandt
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Expert Author April Hildebrandt

Bullying has always been a "deadly" serious problem with often deadly results. With the wave of new user friendly electronic products in the hands of a generation that knows how to utilize it, comes a completely unique way to brutalize the mild and less popular.

This problem has always caused great stress and harm to those who must endure it, but cyberbullying puts an insidious and even more evil twist on the situation.

To go back to basics, why do most people bully others? Mostly because they don't feel good about themselves, have insecurities and lack of self esteem. What is most common amongst bullies? They are afraid, usually act and/or are secure in groups and back down when cornered. Cowardly at heart.

This is why cyberbullying is so successful. The aggressor can act in total confidence without fear of reprisal and in total anonymity. They can also use this method at home, on the bus, at school, on social outings etc, with little fear of being monitored or named. Educators or parents may try their best to combat this behaviour with constructive advice and words whenever possible, however, no-one can possibly monitor anyone's activities twenty-four/seven no matter how well meaning.

On top of this, because it has become such a part of today's culture even those being hurt end up feeling more hurt if they are cut out of this world, therefore they don't have the option to remove themselves from the situation. Today's child is as likely to make friends, find self-esteem, create a social life, and interact with their peers by text, MySpace, Twitter, Facebook, MSN, Outlook, etc; as much so if not more so than by actually physically talking or being with the people important to them.

The youth of today have the option of creating a whole new identity for themselves or acting in ways they would never do so in person. Even more scary, their good or bad intent can reach a seriously bigger audience than before and every person who views it can do harm or good depending on their viewpoint. Friendships, relationships and confidences are now wide open and subject to all input. Hard to take at the best of times, never mind in adolescence or as a teen. In some ways, yesterday's geek is today's king. The geek of today has the power to seriously strike back at those that offend him/her. To state your inner opinions, feelings or thoughts is to lay it out to the world, wide open for critique, ridicule, and social suicide.

There is no easy answer to this problem, but at it's core (as for most problems) the solution starts at home, at an early age, within our schools, with education, by good example and most of all with zero tolerance for any and all bullying.

With that said, three hurrahs! For Mike Sawchuck a local Vernon, B.C. Teacher and to his four volunteers/students who created a must see presentation on this topic guaranteed to inspire, touch and change the attitudes of all those that view it.

For the younger children please read Tigermouse by April Hildebrandt, a fun filled journey through an age old problem.

Change starts within.


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How to Help My Child From Being Bullied? Teach Him 4 Strategies

By Laura Kaine
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So what exactly does bullying mean? Here's the definition: "intentional tormenting in physical, verbal, or psychological ways. It can range from hitting, shoving, name-calling, threats, and mocking to extorting money and treasured possessions." It's a very serious matter and unfortunately signs are hard to detect so many parents are asking "How can I help my child?" and above all "What are the signs that my child is being bullied?". Being bullied can have deep consequences in a child and can change for a long time his relationships with others, his perception of himself.

Basically, if you see a sudden and lasting change in your child's behaviour you can wonder if he's being bullied. You have to pay attention to his sleeping and eating habits, notice if he's trying to avoid certain situations, doesn't want to take the bus to go to school anymore for example. You may have to take the first step in discussing this issue if he doesn't seem ready to talk. Don't be too straightforward, talk about your own experience from your childhood or ask him what he thinks of a story or TV program that has to do with bullying.

The answer to "How to help my child from being bullied?" consists in the following 4 key advices you can give to your child:

1- Avoid the bully. It's not cowardice; it's a matter of protection. Try to always be with a friend inside the school and on the way back to diminish the bully's opportunities to bother you.

2- Don't bring to school what the bully wants from you.

3- Try to wear a poker face. Don't show you're afraid or angry. It'll hopefully discourage the bully as he's trying to get a reaction from you, a weakness. Be indifferent.

4- If indifference doesn't work much, have the courage to go tell the bully to stop doing this and then walk away from the bully without waiting for his answer. Ignore him from that moment on.

When the bully is bored and is not feared by the child anymore, he stops.

These are effective strategies you can discuss with your child. Don't forget to tell him it actually happens to a lot of children and that it's not his fault. Tell him he has your total support. If your child can't apply these strategies, go talk about this to a teacher and if you need to discuss this with the bully's parents, be sure to be in presence of a mediator (a counsellor or even a teacher). "How can I help my child from being bullied?" does not have any secrets for you now! Remember there is no fatality and if you're looking for parenting solutions, you'll always find some to get over any situation.


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